She lies staring up at the ceiling, looking but not seeing. Tears stream from the corners of her eyes, leaking into her ears, wetting her hair and the pillow underneath. It goes unwiped and unnoticed. The once perfected mask of eye makeup melts uncontrolled, down her face, a horrible tribute to Salvador Dali. She can taste the salt and chemicals a sickening reflection of the day.
The grooves on the ceiling blur and merge in and out, dizzying. The woman’s’ mind sways, it is an unsteadying affect despite being horizontal.
It seems strange that at once she can be empty of absolutely everything, numb to thoughts, devoid of emotion and yet full of everything, every thought there has ever been, every worry and concern for a future she is certain will never unfold.
The womans, tiny body is naked, exposed skin and soul. She has no inhibitions.
Despite being still her heart hammers, she can hear it in her skull, on the soft sheets banging side to side like a metal pinball.
It gets faster and faster. She is reminded of a high speed train running heavily over old steel tracks. Pace quickening with every passing second. Panic rises in the silent room, though no danger is present, she awaits a climax, she knows it’s close.
And then it stops.
As fast as it arrived.
No explanation, no apologies.
She takes a moment to relax.
She is never free for long.
Mental health is no longer a scary subject of conversation, it is no longer a taboo topic we must steer clear from. It is fast becoming something which we can openly discuss and something which is rightly recognised by both health care professionals and by society itself. There is more help available today than ever before. It has taken a long time and a lot of hard work by some very strong and dedicated people. Despite this, it is still something which, unless experienced is very difficult to comprehend or to emphasise which is why we must keep talking and educating.
Is it perfect? No.
Is it yet sufficient? No.
How can we make it better?
Keep sharing, keep helping.
A few books Ive read which helped me:
– you do you – Sarah knight
– happy – Fearne Cotton
– jog on Bella Mackie
– notes on a nervous planet – Matt Haig